“What if the waves were beating the shore all along, and everyone was too blinded by the beauty of it to notice?” Tigerlily questions as she takes a long hit from the pipe, and observes the ocean background on her computer. “Wouldn’t that be fucked up?”

“Am I fucked up for not believing in evolution when I see an attractive mother with an ugly kid?” I take a hit of the pipe and hand it back to her.

“Just because an attractive woman fucks an ugly man for his money doesn’t mean evolution isn’t real.” She points out.

“Do you think those girls with the long acrylic nails still finger themselves?” I ask.

“Girls with the long acrylic nails have their sugar daddies do it for them.” Tigerlily


“I suppose that is the case most of the time.”

“Whenever I can’t tell if a girl is into girls or not I check to see if she has long nails.”

“That is a very reliable way to tell if a girl likes girls or not. Whatever happened to ohwhatsherface?”

“Ohwhatsherface got acrylic nails and has her sugar daddy finger her now. She doesn’t need me anymore.”

“Oh that sucks I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I was gonna ghost her anyways.”

“I’ve been thinking about getting a sugar daddy.” I tell her.

“Don’t they’re old men with wrinkled penises who want their balls stepped on by prepubescent women in Louboutins.”

“I wouldn’t mind a pair of Louboutins.”

“I wouldn’t mind stepping on some balls.”

“Me neither. Maybe I should get a sugar daddy…”

“I need a topless bitch, a stray cat, and a magnant. Pronto.” Tigerlily orders me as she puts the pipe back on the desk and returns to her camera. I send my assistant, Felix to fetch what she has asked for. When Felix returned with a stray black cat, a topless Asian girl, and a magnant Tigerlily says-

“I was picturing a white cat… but this one will do.” She directs the Asian girl to lay down on her side on the floor grasping the magnet. The cat is given a fourth of a Xanax, and is positioned a few feet away from the grasp of the girl, so it looks like the girl is trying to attract the cat with the magnet.

“Ok you are dismissed.” Tigerlily says as she turns off her camera.

“Hard day at work?” I ask her.

“Yes indeed actually. Can’t wait to go home and get high.” She says as she takes her pipe off the desk and puts it in her bag.

“Don’t forget you have a meeting tomorrow at 2:30.” I remind her.

“Ok thanks doll.” She says and throws her bag over her shoulder. “Come over to my house later. We’ll catch up. You have to tell me all about Asia!”

“Ok see you at 8?” I ask.

“Yes sounds perf.” She kisses me on the cheek and heads for the door.



“Chloe! So lovely that you’re here!” Tigerlily says as she opens the door. “I was just about to open a bottle of red wine. Would you like some? Or should I get some white from the fridge?” Her apartment is very organized, everything has its own place. The shoes in a basket by the door, coats and bags hung up on a rack. All her books are organized by color on the shelf beside the large picture window.

“Oh, I’m fine with red.” I tell her as I take a seat on her emerald colored couch. There’s an abundance of coffee table books on the ottoman in front of me, positioned in a tower sort of way on a gold tray. Tigerlily sits beside me on the couch and begins to pour wine into a mason jar, hands me it. Then pours herself some wine in a old jar of jam. Everything glass she comes into contact with, she finds a way to reuse.

“Now tell me about China.” She says as she puts on her listening ears.

“My favorite part of China was this village called Hongcun. It’s famous for its water supplying system, every household has a ditch that the water flows through. All the ditches lead to a lake that you encounter when you first come into the village. It’s so beautiful.”

“Wow that’s amazing! Tell me more.”

“The food was great, I tried scorpion. I even fucked this hot tour guide. Enough about me. Tell me about… Alfie.” I say as I spot her feral cat across the room, climbing on the mantle.

“Alfie is a mess. He’s got fleas.”

All of a sudden the cat bursts into fucking flames, igniting the entire apartment, Tigerlily and I barely made it out alive. Later these fleas would become known as firefeas, turning the animals they infest into a bomb. Tigerlily’s next series focused on exploding animals. Felix became BFFs with the people at the animal shelter, who agreed to give him pets after they were put down for a small price. 

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